“You’ll find him when you’re not looking.”

One of the most annoying pieces of advice my married or coupled friends like to give: “You’ll find him when you’re not looking.”

It seems counterintuitive. After all, you don’t find a job when you’re not looking. You don’t find your dream house when you’re not looking. You don’t find that damn missing sock when you’re not looking. Okay, maybe you find the sock when you’re fluffing the sofa cushions. So maybe that analogy is no good. Or maybe, taking it a step further, the analogy is right on target. And maybe the “not looking” advice is right on target, too.

What if we just went about our business as if we’re never going to find that missing sock? What if we lived as if we were never going to find the other half of our pair? What if we just went about the business of living life as if this is it: no man, ever?





Maybe there is something to this not looking. What if we get off Match.com, swear off 8-minute dates, or simply stop sitting at home on the sofa (which harbors a treasure trove of missing socks)? What if, instead, we jump into our lives and do what we love? If we love nature and hiking, we do it. If we don’t want to go alone, we join the Sierra Club. If we like travel, why wait for a man to go along? Plan the trip, buy the ticket, and go have your adventure. Lots of women travel solo. It’s really no big deal. If you’ve always wanted to jump out of a plane, sign up and jump! If you love softball, join a team. If you like dogs, volunteer at the shelter. Or take yours to the dog park. If you don’t have a dog, go watch the dogs play at the dog park. (It doesn’t get much better than watching a bunch of dogs play.)



“You’ll find him when you’re not looking.” Maybe the advice-givers should say, instead: “Stop lamenting the lack of partner, and embrace your life, right now.”

What’s the worst that could happen? You’ll have a hell of a good life, on your own. And, who knows, you just might run across a man worth spending it with, while you’re at it.

Ella a/k/a unConfirmed Bachelorette

Ella a/k/a Confirmed Bachelorette (f/k/a Unconfirmed Bachelorette) is a 50-something recovered lawyer who left the practice of law to embrace a full-time writing life. Never-married, child-free Ella resides in Austin, Texas and Ontario, Canada with her four bad cats.


  • This is a good post.

    I believe you shouldn’t start talking to a girl or a guy hoping to get hitched.

    If it has to happen, it will happen, the natural way. And that way usually leads to the BEST future results!


  • Great post! There’s so much you can do single that you might not have the chance to do in a couple too. For example, taking a vacation anywhere you want without worrying about what your partner wants. That freedom is nice and should be used to the fullest extent while you can!
    On the other hand, I like to be pro-active when it comes to dating (heading out with friends to bars, online, etc.) because it eases my mind knowing that I’m putting myself out there as much as I can. It’s like even if I’m failing miserably, I get satisfaction knowing I tried.


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