Today is my one hundredth day booze-free. The quit has been a lot easier than I thought it would be. And a lot better. My big takeaway: I like not drinking alcohol. I like being clear-headed all the time. I like sleeping better. I like dreaming; both while I’m sleeping, and awake.
I hear sober bloggers talk about the feeling of missing out in not drinking. But I don’t feel like I’m missing out. In fact, just the opposite. I feel like I’ve discovered a salve for my broken bits. My broken heart. The ennui, the depression, is beginning to dissipate.
Depression is an odd beast. It’s only now that I’m on my way out that I fully realize how deeply I’d slipped back in.
I also didn’t realize the role alcohol plays in depression. All these months I’ve been trying to get a grip and move past the death trifecta. Struggling. Stopping and starting. And ultimately, giving up, crawling into bed, surrounding myself with cats. (Not that there’s anything wrong with being surrounded by cats.)
What I hadn’t realized is that in drinking several drinks most days, I may as well have been trying to crawl out of the pit with one foot nailed to the floor. No matter what I did, how hard I tried, it wasn’t happening. But now, at one hundred days, I’m beginning to ascend.
Yesterday I planted fourteen plants in my garden. And then I sat on my patio admiring my work and watching the birds. The Buddhists, whose temple adjoins the back of my property, were doing their morning chanting. White winged doves joined in, cooing from the branches on which they roosted. I felt a profound sense of peace. Something I haven’t felt in quite some time.
This morning, in celebration of my one hundred days, I made myself French toast. I can’t remember the last time I made French toast for breakfast. As I write this, Sunday dinner, chicken tikka masala, is simmering in the crock pot. The pièce de résistance, my one-hundred-day treat will arrive in the mail tomorrow: an adult coloring book and 48 assorted colored pencils.
unConfirmed Bachelorette 
Congrats and well done! How wonderful does it feel to be free and stronger than you thought you were? That foto is gorgeous too~
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Thank you, Cindy. It feels fantastic!
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This post is exactly what I needed to start the new week! You feeling good about your progress warms my heart. I’m jealous about the coloring book…..
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I am very happy to have warmed your heart. You’re like my original sober mentor, back when my goal in life was to get my brother sober. I’m so excited about the coloring book, it’s silly. I’ll photograph my work and post it, so you can be more jealous. 😉
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wonderful!
you shall enjoy the coloring books! there are books of mandalas! I have loads of filled/colored books going back 20 years!
Namaste!
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I have seen some amazing coloring books, Gert. I can’t wait to get started. I feel a creative explosion coming on! Namaste!
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I wish I had your resolve. I’d love to stop drinking, or at least cut it down a lot. Enjoying your writing very much!
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I could have posted this very comment a while back. Eventually, I found my resolve. And you can, too. I’m so pleased to hear you’re enjoying my writing. I popped over to yours and was bummed to find you’re not there. Love the title. Please let me know if you post!
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How wonderful ☺️ congratulations. Sitting out after gardening sounds so peaceful. I was 100 days yesterday and feel so glad too. Enjoy your dinner and present! 🙂
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Thank you! Congratulations to you! Here’s to the next 100!
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You might enjoy Caroline Knapp’s book, “Drinking, A Love Story.” It’s the best book I have read on drinking and the “stages of sobriety.”
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Rachael, I read her memoir years ago. I bought it recently for a memoir writing course, but haven’t re-read it yet. I’ve been trying to decide what to read next, and I think you just helped me choose.
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You are to be commended. One does not have to be a falling-down drunk to have a real problem with booze. Two or three a day, or perhaps even one, are quite sufficient to screw everything up. My life did a 180 the evening I stopped nearly 20 years ago, and life has improved 100 percent. It’s light and day. You are experiencing, it appears, the same revelation.
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Thank you, Felipe. Sometimes, it’s not until you stop, that you realize it’s screwing everything up. Twenty years. I look forward to that.
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This is a beautiful post. It is the first thing I have read on this sunny Monday morning and I am glad to have started my week on such a positive note.
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Thank you. So very kind of you to say. I hope it carries through all week long.
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Well done!! I agree with you about depression. And you’ll love the colouring book, I’m sure 🙂 There are some amazing ones around.
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Thank you, Moongazer. I have seen so many neat coloring books, it’s difficult to not start accumulating them. But I shall use my finely-honed disciple, and refrain. For now.
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How lovely to imagine the harmony of doves and chanting! Congratulations on 100! Wonderful to read of your joy (and the coloring book and pencils! : )
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I wonder if the doves congregate there because they feel a kinship. Surely it’s that, and not my bird feeders. 😉 Thank you, PP!
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Peaceful and easy feelings are a true blessing. Congratulations are getting there.
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I’ve been in search of peace for a long time. Who knew it was literally in my own back yard. Thank you!
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So nice to hear that you are doing well. Congratulations on a 100 days well done. Love your treat ideas, and your food for the day sounds great! It is really inspirational to hear how you are happier/healing better without the booze. Amazing.
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Thank you, Jen! It seems silly in retrospect I didn’t try this sooner. Thank goodness for sober blogs, instilling the desire.
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Wow congrats on 100 days, that’s MARVELLOUS. I adore the snippet about planting your plants, connecting with nature in that way and then the harmony of chanting and cooing. Simply beautiful. Xx
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Thank you, Water Girl. It was a perfect morning. Now that I’m paying attention, I’m finding far superior replacements for the booze. The doves always sound so soulful to me.
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So glad to hear that you are paying attention now.
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Had to get rid of the clutter first, Fran.
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Just glad you are paying attention now. The past is past, the future uncertain, but we live now.
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Congratulations on 100 days! What an achievement, and it sounds like you made a great celebratory day of it!
You are a sober rock-star!
Keep up the great work!
#ODAAT
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Thank you, SL. Everything just fell into place for my weekend of celebration. Onward to 365!
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100 days is great. Life truly is better without alcohol. Especially depression.
I wish I lived by a Buddhist temple. That must be lovely.
Sober is better!
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I never thought it would make much difference but I was desperate for change. I’m glad I was wrong. I watched the Buddhists do a walking meditation one day. I wanted to crash that party. But even watching was nice. Sober is better!
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What a wonderful post! I thought the photo was fantastic, and then the writing just made me so happy. I love your reflections on depression and have a feeling I’m going to come back to this post again. I’ve struggled with depression too and only now see how much harder I was making it on myself by drinking. Congrats again on your 100 days—I wish you all the peace and beauty in the world.
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Thank you very much, EllaBee. It doesn’t occur to us the alcohol is making it harder. We think it’s making it bearable. I’m so glad I’ve untangled that misperception. Best wishes to you!
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So much joy and relief and hope. Truly heartwarming. Thank you for this wonderful post and congratulations on your 100 days. Onwards and upwards 🙂 xxx
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Yes, those things! Who knew that would happen? Thank you, Bea.
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Congratulations! So good to hear that you have nothing but positive feelings at the end of 100 days and the beginning of the rest of your happier life.
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Thank you, AC! New beginnings are the best. For man and beast.
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Congratulations! And now up/onto the One Thousand Days 😀
Ciao
Sid
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Thanks, Sid! Nine hundred more days? I can’t thing of one good reason why not. 🙂
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Bravo!! Massive congratulations on 100 days. Isn’t life grand? It’s funny how the darkness slips away and the light starts to shine when our minds are free from toxins. Clarity is what I’ve come to love most about being sober. So very happy for you!!!
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Thanks, Ms. I! I had no idea the effect it was having. I’m looking forward to watching it all unfold. With clarity!
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Congratulations x
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Thank you!
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I’m a little late to this party but wanted to say congratulations. It’s a big step, very happy for you. The bit about trying to crawl out of a pit with one foot nailed to the floor is perfect.
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Thank you, Livafi! And I’m saving so much money. My grocery bill is down due to no wine on the tab, and going out for a meal is dirt cheap without a booze bill. Hence my monthly expenses are down big time. More for the Vanguard fund! I may get to speed up FU BigLaw Day.
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In a world where if we decide to stop drinking everything can feel so messy, you speak with such clarity. Thank you.
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Thank you, DD! In retrospect, it’s the before that was messy. Who knew?
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Hooray! Your patio and garden sound perfect. Nothing’s nicer than brand new coloring pencils all your own. Enjoy it all
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Thanks, Mouse! It’s a tiny little slice of paradise. Jasmine, birds, bees, and butterflies. Oh, and musn’t forget the squirrels. I am loving my coloring book. I sent my first completed work of art to my mother at her assisted living, to put on her refrigerator.
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Congratulations on 100 days!! You are gaining quite a following and I couldn’t be happier. You portray a simple life with cats and work but the story is made interesting by the fact you are a female lawyer. Great stuff!
How cool to hear Buddhist monks chanting while sitting outside. That beats the birds chirping at my house.
May you continue on this path of serenity. Well deserved, my friend.
Bee(aka”Fern”)
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Fern Fern? My dear friend, Fern? Is that you? I aspire to simple. The lawyer thing kind of mucks it up. Thank you for the well wishes. The monk/bird combo is a treat. I do actually think I’m approaching something that could be called “serenity.”
Ella xo
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