My Dad is dying. I spoke with the doctor today. He’d be gone within days, but my mother and siblings want a feeding tube. For now. So I pretended I want it, too. But I told them I’m worried “for now” will extend into something hideous. The doctor told me she thinks the tube won’t extend things for more than a few days. So I slid in line, and let them feel the decision was unanimous. Maybe I should be advocating for no tube. Advocating for my Dad. I wish I knew what he’s thinking. Or if he’s not thinking, what he’s feeling. But I don’t know what it feels like to be dying. I don’t know if I’d want a feeding tube so I could be here a bit longer. To give everyone time to say goodbye. If it’s only for a little while, am I being a coward for not advocating more strongly for no tube? Is it okay to pretend I’m on board if I’m only compromising for a few days of tube feeding?
The concession was, they agreed to hospice. They’ll take him with or without the tube, the doctor says. so I called tonight and made arrangements for hospice to evaluate my Dad tomorrow. And so I travel to Houston in the morning to meet with them. I’m secretly hoping that after we meet with hospice, they’ll change their minds about the tube.
My mother was shocked. She though he was going to get better. She thought he was going to go home and they’d be together for years to come. She honestly thought this. She had no idea he was this bad.
I wonder why I’m the only one who knew. I kept waiting for a doctor, any doctor, to say what I already knew. Finally, tonight the doctor told us.