Now that I’m getting the depression under control, I’m beginning to ask myself some difficult questions. Like why it was so hard to end things with Mack, even though I’d been wanting out from the moment I got in. Why was it so difficult to steer clear of him, why was I so drawn to him even though I knew from the moment I first set eyes on him that he was not for me? I knew before I met him that he was bad news. I knew it. And yet I was drawn to him, like a moth to the flame.
Why do I find it impossible to steer clear of these men? Once I break free, I’m always appalled at my high threshold for bad behavior, not to mention poor character. Why did I get involved with someone who clearly was such a louse? Why didn’t I cut off communication after he’d told me the first night I met him (after months of emailing) that he lived with a woman? Why did I meet him in the first place when, before I ever met him, I knew from his emails he was bad news? And I did it anyway. It was like watching myself self-destruct, and having no power to prevent it. What is that? Why does that happen? How can I stop it?
Looking back on things, I’m so embarrassed. My friends kept gently pointing out what a creep he is. If your friends tell you the guy you’re dating isn’t good enough for you, trust them. Despite what you tell yourself, they really wouldn’t think any differently of him even if they knew him like you know him. And if they’re so concerned about the choice you’ve made that they actually speak up about it, you know it has to be bad. You don’t tell your friends their boyfriend is a creep unless the situation is dire. It seems they were doing a relationship intervention, and I was so mixed up, I couldn’t see it. I kept listening to Mack. Of course he’s going to tell me he’s not a creep. Of course he’s going to have any number of justifications for his bad behavior. But I knew better. I knew better, and still I did it anyway.
This perplexes me. I don’t understand why I do this. And I’m unsure how to prevent it from happening again. Making better choices up front, before I get involved, would help. And no, I cannot just go out with a crappy man for a while, to get back in practice, or to have a sexual partner. I’m not built that way. I always get emotionally involved with a man with whom I’m sleeping. Even the bad men. History has proven this. And no, a no-good man is not better than no man at all. So next time, I’m vetting him up front. And I’m going to listen to myself. Will the easing of the depression help me make better choices? Regardless, that’s the way it has to be now. No compromises.