On Spinsterhood

Wikipedia, states:

Spinster is a term referring to an unmarried woman who is older than what is perceived as the prime age range during which women should marry. It could also indicate that a woman is considered unlikely to ever marry. The term originally denoted a woman whose occupation was to spin. A synonymous but more pejorative term is ‘old maid.’ The closest equivalent term for males is ‘bachelor’, but this doesn’t generally carry the same potentially pejorative connotations in reference to age and perceived desirability in the marriage.

When I began this blog, I was in my forties; beyond the prime age range for marriage. I had never been married and had no children. Back then, I thought perhaps I might marry. I recently had ended a relationship with a man to whom I purportedly was engaged. I say “purportedly” because, looking back, I don’t believe I intended to actually marry him, when push came to shove. I considered marrying him, knowing that it likely would not work out, so I could point to the failed marriage and say: “Yes, I’ve been married. I was chosen. I’m not completely unlovable or undesirable. I am not so difficult that not all men would forgo making a lifetime commitment to me.”

Around the period the engagement and breakup took place, I had just started a job with BigLaw via a merger of my tiny nine-lawyer firm with a thousand-lawyer firm. At the initial reception celebrating the merger, a married, handsome, forty-something male partner who hailed from one of our offices in the Northeast, inquired whether I was married or had children. When I answered in the negative on both counts, he said, “It will be okay. We’ll find you someone.” Yes, he actually said this. (Apropos of nothing, it later would be revealed that this particular partner was having an affair with another married partner, both of whom would divorce their spouses to marry; but not before they were forced out of the firm. Whether they were forced out for breaking some unwritten firm moral code, or something else, was not made public.)

What I inherently knew had been confirmed: To be successful at this firm, it would be helpful to be the kind of woman men desired to marry.

A few months following the merger party, the firm held its annual partnership retreat. I wore the ring from my recently-failed engagement throughout the days-long retreat. (I had kept the ring because I paid for it.) Looking back, I cringe at my acquiescence and attempt to comply with the expectations of my male-dominated law firm by farcically wearing the ring. (The “male-dominated” descriptor for a law firm generally goes without saying.) I also cringe that I contemplated marrying someone who was abusive and exploitative, in part so I could say I’d been married.

I understand I am far from being the only woman to contemplate marrying because of societal expectations. I understand I am far from being the only woman to, at times, feel broken or flawed for never having found a partner worthy of a life-long commitment.

When I began this blog, I used the term “unconfirmed” because I was not yet prepared to declare myself a life-long single woman. I thought maybe, if I was lucky, I would one day find a life partner. And it would take luck, seeing as I was doing nothing in pursuit of finding a partner. In fact, I was doing quite the opposite. I might even go so far as to call it active avoidance. I used the term “bachelorette” because I thought “spinster” was too harsh; it had negative connotations. It generated images of unhappy, lonely, old, bitter women, living with dozens of cats. I was, and am, a middle-aged woman living alone with cats; four cats, to be precise. (I lost dear Sally, one of the original black cats, to intestinal lymphoma nine months ago, and so now am sharing my home with four cats, rather than five.) I am not lonely. I am not bitter. I am not unhappy.

So now, eight years after starting this blog, I have been contemplating changing its name. I considered “Confirmed Bachelorette,” but “bachelorette,” albeit tongue-in-cheek, has always felt a bit cheesy, particularly in light of the television show. (Will you accept this rose?) I tossed around the idea of calling it “Confirmed Spinster.” The feedback on that was entirely mixed. Two friends found it amusing. Others found it negative and a bit repellent. I saw it as a way to reappropriate the term and chip away at the negative connotations.

Why do women get a bad rap for never marrying? Why are there pejorative terms for unmarried-women-of-a-certain-age, when there are none for men? There’s even a card game, Old Maid, where the penalty card with which you do not want to be left includes the image of an old, gray, woman, often surrounded by cats. What’s wrong with being surrounded by cats?

In contrast, the term “confirmed bachelor” evokes the image of men like George Clooney; men who are handsome and dashing, who have escaped the fate (until recently, for George) of being tied down by a woman. Why am I not viewed as lucky to not be tied down by a man? Why is my independence, my ability to take care of myself, to live life on my terms, not celebrated, as it is for lifelong male bachelors of a certain age?

It’s going to take much more than changing the name of my blog to assist in this course correction. It’s taken decades for me begin to correct the course of my own thinking. I shall continue to strive to do so. For now, I leave you with this:

I am an Unapologetic Spinster.

20 comments

  • I once lived on a commune, where feminism was well ahead of the “outside”. One woman changed her name to “Hag” to reclaim a negative word for old woman. Worked like a charm.

    As to cats being a “lonely old woman” thing; don’t even get me started! I used to work in cat rescue and chose to fawn over and celebrate men who adopted cats: “See? Real men love cats!”. It was worth it in order to save cat lives, but really, guys, washing dishes, changing diapers, and having a cat do not make you all that! Pah!

    You go girl — whatever you want to call yourself — and to Hell with the assholes.

    Liked by 1 person

  • How about “Unapologetically Single?” I still feel like the word spinster isn’t as freeing, the negative connotation still sticks. I even like better “Single and Content” or “Single and Loving My Life.” I think that it takes the focus off apologizing and goes right to something positive and uplifting!

    Liked by 1 person

  • Unapologetic… great idea! It rappresents you 😉
    But on this opposite side of the ocean the substantive spinster is out of fashion. The right, common word is girl, or maiden, even if you are sixty! There is also a law that does not allow to write spinster on public, open documents 😜
    Ciao
    Sid

    Liked by 1 person

  • If you want to change the blog name, pick something fun and/or interesting that has nothing at all to do with your marital situation. In other words, enough with bachelorette, spinster, old maid, etc.

    Like

  • When I say I’m divorced to someone who assumed I’m married, they often apologize. So I’ve learned to ask, “what are you sorry about?” Sometimes I’m kinder and just say, “No need to be sorry”. There’s an implied discrimination against single women, I’m afraid. Glad you’re on the right path and avoided a nasty marriage!

    Liked by 1 person

  • Hi unconfirmed spinster,

    I have thoroughly enjoyed narration of your life. I agree when you say you are not the only women who has contamplated marrying just for the sake of being married…but you definitely are amongst few women who have courage to admit it to yourself and to the world!!! Reading your post is most delightful because it is so true! And truth can be funny!!! Keep it coming… I am gonna binge read your other posts!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  • I’m glad for your return.

    First, sorry for the loss of Sally. It’s always tough to lose a furry one and takes awhile to readjust because you know someone is missing. They know we’re flawed creatures, and perhaps that is why they love us so much.

    About marriage, it’s okay to be single, never married. My mom told that to her g-daughters it’s okay to be single. To be happy is more important than marriage, and it’s more important to have a trusted friend than it is to have a spouse. Also, you need to work at marriage, keeping it strong. My wife and I both did not think another marriage was in the cards. My wife came out of a bad marriage, terminated by a bitter, protracted divorce. My ex-wife and I, we’re still close but more on the friend level than having been married to one another. Our two daughters, Deborah and Elizabeth, really did hope that mom and dad would find their way back to each other but understood it was a long shot. My wife brought in her daughter, Tara, who she raised by herself. The three girls have become close, and we’re glad for it. Most surprisingly, though, is my wife and ex-wife are great friends, and work together. It’s not supposed to happen this way, but it did. It redefines the concept of a blended family, and which we have worked hard to make it work.

    As to a new blog title, I’d go along with something fun Felipe mentioned above … like UB – Ella. You’ll have new readers, and may be some current ones, wondering what UB stands for. 🙂

    Stay well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi, David. So nice to hear from you!

      Losing Sally was heartbreaking. I’ve never had to euthanize a pet before. Knowing I was freeing her was the only thing that gave me the strength. Her littermate, Sadie, diagnosed with chronic kidney disease years ago, is stable and doing well. And then there are the three other beasts: Sophie, Lucy, and Spotty (my mom’s cat). It’s a bit of a menagerie.

      You seem to be surrounded by some special women. It’s so lovely for all of you that the blending has worked out. I know of one recent divorce where the children get on famously, but the ex-spouse refuses to talk to the new wife or her children (and her ex-husband, unless she absolutely must).

      My mother often told me I didn’t need a man to take care of me. And in the next breath, she was hounding me about whether I had a new “friend.” I suppose she was distinguishing between need and desire.

      I kind of like UB Ella. It reminds me of a pop band.

      Like

      • I get it constantly. I’ve been single for several years and people act like it’s a disease. I’m just fine, it’s a choice, and I don’t intend on changing it any time soon!

        Like

  • Spinster. Never knew the meaning, don’t care to remember it. It strikes me as unflattering to women. I think it’s more germane for a BS’er.

    Eight years blogging. Congrats, that’s commitment. And, I bet you’ve helped a lot of people along the way. That seems most reflective of who you are. I agree with the gentleman who commented that your name change should reflect something fun. Or, at least, reflect your authentic self. Nice to see that you’re still blogging. Cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello, Iceman. Thanks for visiting. Eight years is quite a while, although I took a bit of a break after my mother died. It’s good to be back. I think the blog name requires more thought. It seems I don’t know who I am! 😬

      Like

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