Fork In the Road

There are lots of bloggers who start blogging because of a breakup. I started blogging because I wanted to break up. I eventually wrote my way there, but it took many months. Too many. After I wrote myself to the breakup, I spent the next six months writing myself through the breakup.

Once we write ourselves through the breakup, what then? I worry that there’s nothing else inside me.

Where I stand now, I can see for miles in every direction. Looking at what lies behind fills me with an odd mix of disquiet and comfort. Despite the familiarity, I feel an urgency to change directions. Anywhere but toward more of the same.

I’ve always written the script. The men I’ve chosen to play the supporting roles have waved their undesirable traits at me like a matador waves his cape at a bull. And like the bull, I’ve found it intoxicating. Rotten men are a drug. A drug it’s time I stopped using.

I can choose someone different this time. Can’t I?

Can I free myself from the effects of an abusive childhood? Does anyone ever really free themselves? I need to know that it happens. I need to know that it’s possible.

 

I’ve been writing since I was a little girl, carrying a notebook and pencil around with me wherever I went. The little girl who pushed her kitten around in a baby stroller. My writing will never dry up. But it’s time the pull toward rotten men did.

 

 

About Unconfirmed Bachelorette

Unconfirmed Bachelorette, a/k/a Ella, is a 50-something-year-old lawyer who wishes fervently she could retire from the practice of law and write full time. Never-married-childfree Ella resides in Austin, Texas with her three fluffy black rescue cats.
This entry was posted in Abusive Relationships, Blogging, Breakup, Getting Unstuck, Healing, Letting Go, Living Life, Love, Marriage, Mid-Life, Moving On, Relationships, Starting Over and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Fork In the Road

  1. ryeder says:

    Yes, you can free yourself…but to heal, you need to forgive. The hard part. The memories can never be forgotten but the emotional attachment to these memories can be overcome. It takes time, but it can be done. As far as your comment that you wonder if there is anything left inside, I can say “yes”, there is. You just need to find them…

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  2. Giving up the emotional attachment, I can do. As you say, forgiveness is the hard part. I don’t think I really understand, or even agree with, the concept of forgiveness. I wrote about my difficulty with it recently: http://wp.me/p1jL9y-9w.

    Thanks for the encouragement.

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  3. free penny press says:

    You can and will move away from those choices.. Look at all the energy you expended staying with him.. Take that energy and turn it inward and remember what you exude to the world is what will come back..
    I did not nor will ever forgive my ex, what I did was see why & how he acted the way he did and realized, It was never my fault.. I forgave myself for staying and allowing..
    You my dear, are headed toward a bright,& shiny new road.. I kid you not!!!!

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    • Yes, I can! Those guys do take a lot of energy. I was worn out most of the time. In fact, if I stop and reflect for a moment, I feel brand new these days.

      There won’t be any forgiving, except of myself.

      Does the road have a shiny fork in it?

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  4. (Best pix ever!) Hard habit to break – but you can do it. Shut the door and walk away from that pile – don’t let it rule you – and know you deserve someone who treats you with kindness and respect. Trade in the kitten and stroller image. You and the lion walking beside you rule now.

    Like

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