Second Guessing

My intuition is spectacular. When a man is a creep, my gut knows it immediately. The trouble is, I second-guess myself. I don’t trust my gut. I’m not sure why I do this, seeing as my gut has proven time and again that it is smarter than my “rational” brain. Over and over, even though my gut knows better, I talk myself into doing something that I know is not in my best interests. Or I let someone else talk me into doing something that isn’t in my best interests.

Having faith in ourselves, sticking to our guns, is important if we want to make it through life without getting squashed time and again by our bad decisions. So why do we dismiss our intuition? In some situations, we just get lazy and don’t tune in. This one is easy to overcome. All you have to do is pause for a moment, and check in with yourself–check in with your gut. Most of us do this as a matter of course. The trouble comes up later, when there’s interference, or static, that’s drowning out what our guts are trying to tell us. You might be involved with someone who is emotionally manipulative. If this someone knows where your soft spots are, he’ll use them to ensure the outcome he desires. The outcome an emotionally manipulative person desires rarely is in our best interests.

For example, your gut might tell you that your boyfriend is cheating on you. You have no evidence of this. You just have a gut feeling. He, of course, will do everything he can to throw you off your game. He’ll tell you your lack of trust is the problem. He’ll tell you he is not your ex-husband or boyfriend from ten years ago who cheated on you. He’ll tell you you’re just sensitive from past experience. He’ll tell you your suspicious mind is going to be the death of your relationship. He’ll become upset and angry you’re questioning him in the first place. All of this is designed to throw you off the scent. You end up apologizing to him, and vow to be more trusting.

And then it happens. Months later, you find out you were right. Those hours he disappeared off the radar screen, he wasn’t napping or at the gym. He was with another woman. And he’d been cheating on you for months.

Or perhaps you’re on a first date, and you have an icky feeling deep in your gut about the guy. You can’t put your finger on it, but feel there’s something about him that’s not quite right. But the static of his smile, of the way you feel when he kisses you, overpowers your gut. He tells you this is the best date he’s had in a very long time. You’re overdue for a boyfriend, and so you ignore that little nagging voice in the back of your head that says, “Run! Run like hell and don’t look back!” Because if you look back, he’ll only sweet talk you, and drown out your inner voice, sucking you back in again.

If you’re with someone who doesn’t feel quite right, step back. Tell him you need to take a break to reassess things. If he’s a good guy, he’ll let you have time to reflect, and he won’t bombard you during that period with email, or phone calls, or gifts, all designed to drown out that inner voice.

We know when someone isn’t right for us. We know when our man is cheating on us. We know when he’s a liar. We know when he’s using us. We know.

Trust your gut.

Ella a/k/a unConfirmed Bachelorette

Ella a/k/a Confirmed Bachelorette (f/k/a Unconfirmed Bachelorette) is a 50-something recovered lawyer who left the practice of law to embrace a full-time writing life. Never-married, child-free Ella resides in Austin, Texas and Ontario, Canada with her four bad cats.


  • Completely agreed. Every time I’ve ignored my gut, I’ve regretted it. Every single time. I mean, not so much the little things, but the big ones, where my instincts are screaming at me that something is wrong, and I ignore them? Mistake. Excellent post!


    • It is hard! It’s so odd how it’s easier to “believe” someone we know is lying to us than to trust ourselves. But the more you go with your gut and have faith in yourself, the easier it gets. I’m still working on it. One lie at a time.


  • I always find it more like I wish I wasn’t even having those feelings – because deep down I know I’m right.. but I don’t WANT to be right. I’d rather believe the person (the cheating boyfriend) isn’t doing anything wrong, rather than go with my gut.
    It’s so hard, we don’t want to hurt.. we strive for this ”HAPPY” ”Perfect” life.. and it’s almost ilke we’ll lie to ourselves .. to try and achieve this..

    It’s so hard..


    • That’s exactly what it is, Fawn! We lie to ourselves because we want him to be what we want him to be. I spent a solid year ignoring all the red flags and flashing neon lights and my screaming gut. He helped a lot by being incredibly manipulative. But finally, in the end, I let go because I came to terms with the fact that the fantasy wasn’t enough.


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