It turns out my brother had acute myelogenous leukemia. My niece and I tried to reach him on the phone today to see if he got the results of the bone marrow biopsy. My niece was told there was no one on the floor by that name. They had moved him to ICU. He was intubated. The doctor said he had another 24 to 48 hours.
I drove home from work feeling numb. I forced myself to stop holding my breath. Just breathe. I arrived home. Sat in the car in the garage. Got out. Went inside. Picked up Sadie. I held her in my arms and stood looking out the window at the sparrows and bluejay in the feeder. Sadie purred in my arms. Five minutes passed. Then ten. Sadie purred. Each time I let out a sob, her paw seemed to squeeze my arm. She made no sign she wanted to be put down. I held her and cried while she purred, as we watched the birds together.
Eventually I set her down and sat in a chair. My neighbor came in. Hugged me.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I said.
I felt numb. Couldn’t think. Needed to pack. Maybe if I didn’t go, if I stayed home, it wouldn’t happen.
“Let’s go see Sophie.”
We went upstairs into the kitty’s safe room and sat with her. We took turns petting her as she purred and drooled.
“I don’t have to go to Houston, do I? I can’t do this again. Maybe it won’t happen if I don’t go.”
Was this one of those horribly vivid Viibryd dreams? Surely I was going to wake up to find it wasn’t real. This couldn’t be happening again. This kind of thing doesn’t happen. Can’t happen. It would be too cruel. This stupid fucked up random universe could not be that cruel.
But it could.
My brother died today at age 52.
Eleven months after our oldest brother died.
Five months after our father died.
Three days shy of getting his 90-day sobriety chip.
Fifteen minutes before I arrived at the hospital.
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So very soory to hear this news. What an unbearable year it has been for you. Hugs over the ether.
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Thank you. It has been. It’s all such a mystery.
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I’ve been there for one… not two, and certainly not three within a year’s time. I don’t know how you maintained your composure long enough to post a blog entry. Words alone cannot convey my sympathy. Be at peace, and take the time you need to process all this…
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I think I’m a bit numb. Writing helps. Thank you, BV.
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Our sincerest, deepest condolences for your losses, your pain. We are happy that writing is helping you. Holding you in the light, xo Louisa
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Thank you so much.
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Words fail me now…:-(
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I know. What in the hell is there to say?
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I wish lived closer .. you need a good old fashioned hug and shoulder to lean on.. I am so utterly sorry..
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From my heart to yours, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. You are not alone.
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Thank you, Tahira.
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Damn it. I’m so sorry your brother had to go. AML is a heartbreaker.
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I had no idea. Admitted on Tuesday, and he died in less than a week.
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AML can be VERY aggressive. I didn’t know any of this stuff until I had to. I thought only little kids got leukemia.
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I honestly got chills reading those last 5 sentences. I thought you were going to write that you found out you were the perfect match to be a bone marrow donor for your brother. I am so sad for you and your family. Indulge me while I selfishly scream out, “It is not fair that one family should have so much pain!” I don’t get it; it’s unfathomable.
Sending prayers and hugs your way and keep hugging those kitties.
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Thank you, Fern. I don’t get it either. I really don’t.
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my heart breaks for you. damn it. i’m so sorry, how could this happen? what is the meaning in so much loss? sending love and strength to you and your family.
one bit of goodness: i’ve heard of an infinity or forever chip. your brother has that now.
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Infinity chip. Lovely. He gave himself and his children three months of real connection.
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I hate to “like” this when what I really want to say is “I care.” I’m so very sorry for your losses…I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you peace.
Karen
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Thank you, Karen.
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Soft paw pats and purrs are healing: you are here – you are loved.Somehow they know.
There’s no understanding.
You brother was well on the path – maybe he’d completed what he needed to do here.
May warmth and peace find you
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They do know. I’m certain of that. Maybe my brother had. Thank you so much.
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I’m sorry.
Infinity chip is a brilliant concept.
Hugs and love to you and your family.
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Thank you. I’d love to get one for his children.
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I’m so sorry for you and your family. My sincere condolences.
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Thank you.
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Hon…I’m so, so sorry. Unbelievable – and completely heartbreaking. Hugs, take care.
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Yes,unbelievable. How could this happen again so soon?
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I share your tears today. I am very sorry for your loss. My prayers to you and your family.
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Thank you so much,Gail.
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So sorry for your loss.
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Thank you, David.
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Oh I’m so sorry! this has been a rough road for you, stay centered and strong
I’m thinking of you!
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I think when I get home I’m going to allow myself to fall apart for a bit.
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by all means….do just that! and know we all are here for you
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Fuck, this is just horrible, my heart’s breaking for you. I wish I could be there to hug you hun, to just sit with you… life can be a real bitch. Sending you my deepest condolences and tons of hugs and warm thoughts. Are you still in Houston?
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Thank you so much. It is a bitch. I am back in Austin now. Lots of kitty therapy.
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I am so sorry.
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Thank you.
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I was so shocked and saddened to read this this morning, and I’ve been thinking about you all day…sending thoughts, prayers and hugs to you and your family…
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Shocked and saddened. Yes. Thank you .
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I am so, so sorry. What a tough year you’ve had, but I am very glad you had those three last months with your brother. Definitely sending you virtual hugs and good thoughts.
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Yes, I keep reminding myself he had three months. Thank you.
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So sorry for your loss. You have had a rough year! Keep your head up but allow yourself to feel…. ((Hugs))
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Thank you. Yes, it has been rough. I go from numb to feeling and back again. It’s going to be a long while.
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Mom wanted to tell you how sorry she was to hear about your brother. We fur people try to help you humans as much as possible through the really rough times so we’re glad Sadie could sit in your arms and purr. We’ve all been away from the puter for a few days so forgive us for not writing sooner. We hope that you will be surrounded by the love and comfort of family and friends.
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I hate it when I’m reading an old post and notice a comment that I did not acknowledge. Thank you for your condolences. Fur people are my greatest comfort. It’s the purring and soft fur. 🙂 And of course, the sweetness of your kitty souls.
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