I went to my local My Fit Foods yesterday and met with the counselor. She’s a tiny little twenty-something who clearly does not have to concern herself with calories. But she has a B.S. in nutrition (those initials are unfortunate) so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

“Why are you here?”

“To get back in a groove after the holidays. A detox from sugar and alcohol. And to get some ideas for meal plans so I don’t eat the same thing every day.” (I ate Fage Greek yogurt with peaches for breakfast and lunch every day for three months. Is that OCD? I’d still be eating that combo, but peaches are now out of season and frozen peaches are rubbery.)

“Do you drink coffee?”

“I’m not giving up my coffee.” Don’t even think about it, Chelsea dear.

She spent five minutes explaining why she felt very strongly about my giving up coffee. She almost had me when she told me caffeine impedes weight loss. But seeing I know pretty much everything there is to know about the types of things that impede weight loss (even if I don’t practice them all), I thought I’d either missed some new piece of scientific news, or Chelsea was bsing me with her B.S. She assured me I do not need caffeine, the program will give me all the energy I need, and after a few days the headaches will go away. Oh, well in that case.

I told her I’d give it some thought. Instead I went home and got on the Google. Just as I suspected, there is no solid evidence caffeine impedes weight loss. I will give up sugar. I will give up alcohol. I will give up gluten. I will not give up my two cups of coffee in the morning. Not without solid evidence it impedes the melting of fat from my body. No way. No how.

The thought of brewing a pot of strong black coffee (organic) in the morning is what gets me out of bed. Just imagining the smell. That, and the two black cats head-butting me and the lamps on the nightstand.

So Chelsea stops waxing lyrical about how great I’ll feel giving up caffeine, and proceeds to tell me about the food plan (breakfast, lunch, and dinner, plus two snacks) for 21 days. Between 1200 and 1400 calories per day. No sugar. No alcohol. No gluten. No gluten? That’s interesting. I know it’s all the rage, but I also know I’m not gluten intolerant. Still, I’m curious to see if a lack of gluten will make a difference as to how I feel.

In addition to the food, I let Chelsea sell me the vitamin packs (which I’ve always believed is just an expensive way to make your pee really yellow). I’ll take two packs a day. They include a multi, an antioxidant, fish oil (I do take that already for mood), milk thistle, and cinnamon. Milk thistle and cinnamon are often included in weight loss programs. (Remember the Fat Flush plan?) There’s also a morning cocktail that is highly reminiscent of the Fat Flush plan. The cocktail, which I plan to take as a shooter (no added water), includes a liquid B12, unsweetened cranberry juice, fresh squeezed lemon, and a tablespoon of Bragg’s apple cider vinegar. I’m planning to add a little cayenne, another spice thought to have magical fat-burning properties.

Tomorrow is Day 1. For the next 21 days, I’ll eat their food and do no cooking. Chelsea tells me she wants me to have one cheat day (or was it cheat meal?) per week to keep my metabolism guessing. I doubt I’ll do a cheat day. I’d rather just be good and neurotic the next three weeks. I always do better when I’m neurotic. (Recall the Greek yogurt compulsion. I lost 40 depression pounds during that period.)

I’m ready for the great detox of 2013 to begin. Thank goodness this one doesn’t involve enemas or colon cleansing.